Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.