Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

#math