cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
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check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again