Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

A choir of Spring onions

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Word!