Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

listen closely

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.