Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?