Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

Big Sex has us all fooled

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

[at my funeral]

boss : you’re LATE

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

why no one uses midhusbands

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

My background check bounced.