cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
You Might Also Like
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Manager: just got a quick little job for you
Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.