cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I would like even faster food.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.