Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

the dark web is just a goth google.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

🤣

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours