Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid