Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
about to have the best blueberries of my life
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?