Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.