Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
going to bed
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
no one likes gloating
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
sliding into dms like