Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

seriously you guys

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.