Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

just left a huge legacy in there

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

BaD BoY!!

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.