Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL

*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*

4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?