Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

My patronus is a cheeseburger

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

this made my day 😂

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.