Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
…żyje?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]