Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Caturday

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.