CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
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WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
The “baby” on the left….
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!