*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
become ungovernable
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?