*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
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Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
A roof is a house hat.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
2024 has been a rough few years
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.