*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
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Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
SPLOOT
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.