Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Where’s my employee discount too?

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

this has done me in for some reason

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché