Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Message from the dog groomers

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

kitchen magnet

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe

Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me

IRS: …

Me: hello?

IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.