Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

socratic questions

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.