Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
You Might Also Like
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.