My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance
dispatch: copy that
me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer
I still remember when people found me attractive.
Those were the minutes
I like giving names to my furniture
Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch
When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?