Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?

Me: *slides tampons across counter*

Cashier: Nevermind…

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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.


Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.


*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*


[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer


I like giving names to my furniture

Right now i’m chillin’ with Oscar the Couch


When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.


Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.


Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?