Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.

Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

an airline just for babies.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

I’m sure it’s fine.

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”