Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*