Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In banana years, I am bread.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.