Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.