Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.