Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
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Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW