Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.