Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀