Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”