Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific