Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
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I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.