Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?