Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*