[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
You Might Also Like
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
IT’S-A ME,
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope