Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*

My kids: what have you done?!

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.