Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

Jurassic park gets weird

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.

ME: *thinks for a bit* …k

MAGICIAN: That is a letter.

ME: omg ur right

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.