Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?

Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened

History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened

History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen

History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.