Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Aaaa…CHOO!
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID