Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”