Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones