Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

bro what is going on at twitter

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Trains are just sideway elevators.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe