Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage