Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Limited budget

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

From Facebook just now…

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

kitchen magnet

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

😊🦆

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name