Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Maths meets science

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.