Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?