cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.