Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat