Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[eulogy]
line?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: