Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

I came this close!!!!

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

this was the best i’ve ever seen

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

*performs CPR on the turkey*

“And on the 7th day, He rested.”

Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you