Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

◾️

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

I am laughing way too hard at this.

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500