Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

Body by Oreos

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!

Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands