CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
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Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
Me when I’m ovulating
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
peeping toms
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.