CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?