Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

need him

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.