cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
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[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”