CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Same pineapple, same
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.