cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict