cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it