It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
You Might Also Like
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
#CatsOnTwitter
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
*puts my mental health in rice
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home