Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
File under excellent bookstore names.
