Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

respect

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me