Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
mandolin: finally a violin for men
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Oh, I bet you would be
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…