Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here