Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
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As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”